Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Ramblings, i

disconnected thoughts from my brain

i.
I sit in the lefthand turn lane at an intersection, waiting for the light to change. I'm lost in thought, reflecting on the evening I've spent in a favourite dimly-lit cafe with friends, when Purity Ring's "Begin Again" floods my car's radio. The pulsing, dark beats, the familiar lyrics coated in cosmic implications transport me to another place, another time, when I impulsively bought a ticket to see the band two years ago with two friends and two acquaintances. We danced to the beats, inspired by the lights, moved by the atmosphere. That day feels like forever ago, and as lyrics continue to oscillate their way into my ears, I lose track of where I am, what time I'm in, what version of myself I inhabit.

ii.
It happens again days later. As I continue to receive annual digital, nostalgia-inducing reminders of my European travels, now dating back two years, I simultaneously yearn for those times, those people, those moments, yet know that I am not that same person anymore. I am both less and more; less courageous and spontaneous, but more at home in my own body. I am less sure of my own thoughts but more aware of my own abilities. Yet sometimes I miss the small moments more than the fact of being there.

iii.
I have been out of school for four months, and I continue to contemplate the meaning of community, of friendship, of what it means to be connected to others. I am out of school but not yet permanently in a workplace, and so my circle of constant contacts is small and though I love everyone in it, it is not the same as before. I long to see acquaintances, to be able to slip a small hello into every cross-campus venture.


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